ありがとう

　僕に明るさをくれる君にありがとう。この暗い気持ちを持つ俺に光を少しでもくれてる君にありがとう。たとえ１ヶ月に何回しかお話してないかもしれません。でもいつも君の笑顔と明るさのおかげで、僕は少しずつ悲しみから離れ、頑張ることができるとまた信じてきました。そのことで本当に感謝しています。またいつか会う日を待っていますね。そのときもまたあなたの笑顔を宜しくね。

What am I suppose to do???

So today I started the day the same as always. Woke up, washed up and took my meds. Then I went to work. The beginning was fine, but during the middle of my shift, I couldn't take it no more. For some reason tears started falling from my eyes and it wouldn't stop. I tried calling the doctor if I can take another pill, but she wasn't picking up. I didn't know what to do. I tried breathing slowly. I tried sitting down. I've even gone outside for some fresh air. And yet the tears won't stop falling and I "accidentally" banged my head against a wall outside.....
Am I going crazy??? Can nothing help me??? WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO???!!!!..........

I am still drawing and trying to stay busy, but I don't know what to do if this kind of incident happens again.......

What I learned this past few weeks

This past few weeks was very painful. I've been hurt badly and I've hurt others around me. I realized that my life can never keep happiness, for life is just giving me sour apples to eat while others are receiving fresh ones from the tree.
I just finally realized this and am now accepting the facts. I don't deserve to be happy in this life for a reason, and that reason may come sometimes in my lifetime. I'll just continue my journey alone in this world until life gives me the answer to this question I ask inside my black heart.
Until then, I will continue doing my art and express all I can that is bottled inside me. I'll never stop picking up the pen until I am gone from this world.

I tried...and I felt it....

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I will keep myself
I would find a way

So this past couple of weeks, I've been in so much pain that I didn't know what to do in life anymore. But I didn't want to give up. So to help me realize that life is worth something and to help me move on, I've gotten the Hannya Shingyo (Heart Sutra) tattooed on my upper back. I've been saving the space for something and I finally found it. I hope that this will help and guide me thru this tough times.

Oh Shariputra form is no other than emptiness, emptiness no other than form, form is exactly emptiness, emptiness exactly form; feeling, thought, impulse, and consciousness are likewise like this. Oh Shariputra, remember, Dharma is fundamentally emptiness, no birth, no death. Nothing is pure, nothing is defiled. Nothing can increase, nothing can decrease. Hence: in emptiness, no form, no feeling, no thought, no impulse, no consciousness; no eye, no ear, no nose, no tongue, no body, no mind; no seeing, no hearing, no smelling, no tasting, no touching, no thinking, no realm of sight, no realm of thought, no ignorance and no end of ignorance, no old age and death and no end to old age and death. No suffering, no craving, no extinction, no path, no wisdom, no attainment. Indeed, there is nothing to be attained; the Bodhisattvas live this deepest wisdom with no hindrance in the mind, no hindrance therefore no fear. Far beyond delusive thinking they finally awaken to complete Nirvana. All Buddhas, Bodhisattvas of past, present, and future live this deepest wisdom and therefore reach the most supreme enlightenment. Therefore know that this wisdom beyond wisdom is the greatest Dharani, the brightest Dharani, the highest Dharani, the peerless Dharani. It completely ends all suffering. Know this as truth and do not doubt. So set forth this profound wisdom Dharani. Set forth this Dharani and declare: Gone, gone, gone to the other shore, attained the other shore, to beyond the other shore, having never left. Wisdom Heart Sutra.

Ja ja ja JADED....

So today at work, I was in the breakroom and taking a breather, when my co worker said i need to come out. So i did and walked around and who did I see??? STEVEN TYLER OF AEROSMITH!!!!!!!!!!!

All I can say is that it was so awesome to meet the one rock band I love and especially meeting the man. He shopped alot and was the coolest guy I've ever met. So nice and honest and also living the life. Wasn't even acting like a "rock star" He came in brought smiles to everyones faces.

I was kind of nervous to ask to take a picture, but I did and he was awesome enough to take it with me.

Just want to say thanks to Steven Tyler for making my day and reminding me to live life to the fullist.

The day we go our separate ways...

....is coming near......I will always be here for you....till the end of time....Please be happy for me as I can never be......



Unfinished
By: X Japan

Oh! I'm looking at you
can't control myself
nothing, but pain for me

wipe your tears from your eyes
just leave and forget me
no need to be hurt anymore

go away from me now
I don't know what is love?
no need to be hurt anymore

you said, "I miss you so much
everynight thinking of you
and facing loneliness"

But when you feel sadness
never can I stay with you

I'm not the one you need
close your eyes and forget me
there's nothing I can do anymore

I lost my way

I've been walking in the night of tears
there I found someone was holding you
as the night was falling down
with my love also vanished my vision of you

my heart is cold now

wipe your tears from your eyes
just leave and forget me
no need to be hurt anymore

you said, "I need you always
everyday thinking of you
and living loneliness"

But when you feel sadness
never can I stay with you

go away from me now
I don't know what is love?
no need to be hurt anymore

can't find my way

I just have to let go......

But I can't......I love her too much.....I'm so sorry....

Thank You for Everything

"Without You"
X Japan
Translation:
I stand still on this night I'm too tired to walk through
Crossing these flowing tears with memory

There are as many farewells as encounters
But time goes on forever, so I believed

Even the words we hurt eachother with, I embrace now
Just turning back I feel alone

How should I love you
How could I feel you
Without you
Countless memories fill in my time

We were born and we met at the same time
in order to reassure eachother's love

I still remember To the coming day with no answers
To the days I desired to dream

Once again I ask
the reason of life
the reason of living
To the endlessly vast sky

At times living is full of pain
I can't be honest I was fooling an act

I loved you I hurt you
I realized the depth of the word of love

Do you remember The day we first met
The time we dreamed the same dream

Once again I ask
the reason of life
the reason of living
To the endlessly vast sky

How should I love you
How could I feel you
Without you
An endless poem of love To you

Even though I can't see you anymore
Your memory will live in my heart
Forever
As well as love does
So I won't say.... Good bye